For someone who really prides herself on not caring what people think…I’ve really grown to, well, care what people think. I’ve had writer’s fear posing as writer’s block for about the last three years since I graduated from UVic, lost my proverbial training wheels, and rode off into the dreaded Real World.
Will they think, she’s trying too hard, or that’s a stupid thing to write about, or simply, what does she even know about that?
I’ve been driving myself mad and living through “what-ifs” until I succumbed to stage fright without ever actually stepping onto the stage. A blogger tends to be a one-man show and if I was the stage crew, the orchestra, and the singer, who was I to blame if I got booed?
For three years, I’ve scrolled through hundreds of inspirational memes and videos and listened to wise advice, hearty encouragement, and numerous success stories. Then I would think, that could totally be me. I’ll start writing tomorrow. Or next week, when I’m not so swamped with errands. And Netflix.
For three years, I thought I had to choose to write about one thing, one category. I had to have a niche, a particular audience in order to be successful. And what was the point if my blog wasn’t going to be successful? If people weren’t going to read it?
For three years, I’ve been afraid of failing at something I loved to do. I’ve been scared of being humiliated. What if I spelled something wrong, used too many conjunctions, punctuated incorrectly? What if my writing “voice” sounded too academic or too ditzy, too professional or unprofessional, or my vocabulary needed tweaking because there weren’t any words my readers had to Google? (And now some of you shitheads are proofreading this if you weren’t already. It’s okay, I’m a shithead too.)
Some of you may even remember a blog post long ago that has since been deleted, just some jibber jabber about an article that interested me. I still have notes in a folder somewhere buried deep inside my hard drive titled “Blog Post 2” or something to that effect. I had actually deleted the entire blog section on my website after coming to terms with the fact that “Blog Post 2” was just never going to happen. This can no longer be blamed on procrastinating.
I have a real problem and I thought I’d break the ice with it.
Basically, I can write for other people easily, but I’m uncomfortable with the idea of writing for myself. UVic helped me with its workshops in forcing me to make my own writing choices and share it with my 14 other classmates and my professor. And miraculously, I survived. But I’ve regressed into my old writing pit and now this is me clawing my way out again.
Now for a very big ANYWAYS, you won’t have to trudge through many self-pitiful stories or stilted confessions in the near future, but rather mostly random pieces that may or may not interest you.
And I got to say, I’m feeling pretty damn good about it.